Baby Jack....One Year

The Love of My Life......Baby Jack Iko

Amazing words.....

To Jack:

Mommy found this the other day........it is perfect for me and you. 


No one else
will ever know
the strength of my
LOVE
for you......
After all, you're
the ONLY ONE
who knows
what my heart
sounds like
from the inside.

ALL MY LOVE, SWEET BOY!!!

Dreaming.....

Last night I had a wonderful dream......

I was sleeping and woke up to a little boy standing next to my bed. He was around four years old....blond hair and blue eyes. He had been watching me as I was sleeping. He spoke to me and said...."I came from heaven to check on you and make sure you are okay." In my dream .....I started calling his name..."Jack....Jack...Jack...."

I didn't want to wake up. When I did, I felt aa little bit of peace.

Today marks ten months that beautiful Jack went to heaven. On this day of memorial, I spent most of my day remembering a hero that came into my life.

To Jack, My Hero.....

Thank you for being my baby boy.....for changing me.....for visiting me in my dreams.....helping me through my days.....and giving me a beautiful blessing.  I know that you are guiding his safe arrival.  Daddy and I long for you...our sweet, sweet, precious, perfect baby.

I love you forever.....I like you for always......
As long as I'm living.....my baby you'll be.....

I Knew You as my Son.....

Note: I wanted to publish this post yesterday , but was having computer issues.

Dear Jack,

On this very day....last summer...mommy and daddy found out we were having a baby boy.  You had been living in my belly for 23 weeks. My love for you was as big as it could be and when we had our ultrasound I just wanted to make sure that you were healthy and growing.  Daddy and I thought it would be great to be surprised on the day you were born.  We told the doctor that but, she misunderstood us.  I guess she thought we really wanted to know.  She was scanning all over and then shouted...."it's a boy!!!".  Daddy didn't even hear her....he always concentrated so much on watching you wiggle around the screen.  I sat right up and said ...."I didn't want to know...."  Then, I realized in that moment that all my dreams had come true.  So many mommies want little girls but, I wanted a BOY!!! I wanted you!!! And, in my heart and in my dreams....I already knew you were a boy.

Looking back....that day was the biggest gift to mommy and daddy.  For all those months you were in my belly...I KNEW YOU AS MY SON!!!  My little baby boy bouncing around in there....kicking back at me....loving me. Thank you ...baby boy....for being my son....now and forever. 

My love for you is bigger than ever.  Sometimes so big...it hurts.  Other times....it gives me so much peace.

Mommy and Daddy love you.....sweet baby boy!!!!

8 Months...

Yesterday marked eight months since my beautiful baby boy went to heaven.  Sometimes it feels like it has been so much longer and other times I'm thinking how could it be eight months already?  I've definitely had a difficult time these past few months.  I am out of school for the summer and have too much down time.  Down time while you're grieving is really hard.  I just miss my little baby sooo much.  I spend a lot of time thinking about what he and I would be doing this summer.  We would be having a ball!!! So much mommy and Jack time...wouldn't that be wonderful!!! We still have our time together....I talk to him all the time and I know he is with me. It really helps in my healing.  If healing is the right word.....I'm not sure if I will ever fully heal.  Eight months ago...my heart was broken, my life was shattered, my dreams were taken from me.  I gave birth to the most beautiful baby and had to say "good bye" to him the same day.  How is it possible to truly heal from that?  And, of course, I never said "good bye" to Jack.  He is always a part of me......always my first born.....always my son....always the TRUE love of my life!!!

And.....I will see him again!!!

I LOVE YOU.....MY SWEET BOY!!!!

Happy Father's Day....a few days late....

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY....to a wonderful husband and father to our beloved baby in heaven.

Tim....Jack and I love you the most!!!!

I think today was harder for me than Mother's Day.  It just hurts me so much when I think about how much Tim is hurting....I thought about that a lot today.

Also,

 HAPPY FATHER'S DAY to my wonderful daddy!!! You have always been so wonderful to me.  I couldn't wait for Jack to meet you and know you and mom. That has been one of the hardest things.........

Baby Jack....mommy and daddy love you so much forever and ever.  We miss you and ache for you so much. 

Consumed.....

I am consumed with thoughts of Jack.  The other day someone told me that it was normal for me to still be thinking of him everyday...I had to laugh.  Really...what about every MOMENT?  I think about him every moment I am awake.  He is there in every part of my day and he does visit me in my dreams.  Yesterday Tim and I went to the beach with some friends.  I love the beach.  My first thought getting out of the car was how much better it would be with Jack there.  I would be lathering him up with sunscreen....not letting a bit of sun touch his beautiful baby skin.  Tim played all day in the water with a our friend's daughter....I just kept thinking....it should be our son in his arms.  He is such a good daddy!!!

I am consumed with sadness.  A little over 6 moths later and it hurts as much....maybe even more...than the first day.  I think I am okay with the sadness not going away....I have never expected it to.  Yesterday on the beach I thought back to days of last summer.  Life was so beautiful and everything was just as it should be.  I love that feeling of peace that comes over your body when you know that everything is right with the world.  The last time I felt that was when Jack was in my belly.  Of course, I haven't felt it since he went to heaven.  I don't think I will again.  I'm not trying to be negative, but I do not think it is possible for a parent who looses a child to feel that.

I am consumed with LOVE for my son!! My love for Jack grows EVERYDAY!!!

Mommy LOVES you sweet, sweet boy.  I am consumed with thoughts of one day being with you in heaven!!!!