Baby Jack....One Year

The Love of My Life......Baby Jack Iko

Amazing words.....

To Jack:

Mommy found this the other day........it is perfect for me and you. 


No one else
will ever know
the strength of my
LOVE
for you......
After all, you're
the ONLY ONE
who knows
what my heart
sounds like
from the inside.

ALL MY LOVE, SWEET BOY!!!

Dreaming.....

Last night I had a wonderful dream......

I was sleeping and woke up to a little boy standing next to my bed. He was around four years old....blond hair and blue eyes. He had been watching me as I was sleeping. He spoke to me and said...."I came from heaven to check on you and make sure you are okay." In my dream .....I started calling his name..."Jack....Jack...Jack...."

I didn't want to wake up. When I did, I felt aa little bit of peace.

Today marks ten months that beautiful Jack went to heaven. On this day of memorial, I spent most of my day remembering a hero that came into my life.

To Jack, My Hero.....

Thank you for being my baby boy.....for changing me.....for visiting me in my dreams.....helping me through my days.....and giving me a beautiful blessing.  I know that you are guiding his safe arrival.  Daddy and I long for you...our sweet, sweet, precious, perfect baby.

I love you forever.....I like you for always......
As long as I'm living.....my baby you'll be.....

I Knew You as my Son.....

Note: I wanted to publish this post yesterday , but was having computer issues.

Dear Jack,

On this very day....last summer...mommy and daddy found out we were having a baby boy.  You had been living in my belly for 23 weeks. My love for you was as big as it could be and when we had our ultrasound I just wanted to make sure that you were healthy and growing.  Daddy and I thought it would be great to be surprised on the day you were born.  We told the doctor that but, she misunderstood us.  I guess she thought we really wanted to know.  She was scanning all over and then shouted...."it's a boy!!!".  Daddy didn't even hear her....he always concentrated so much on watching you wiggle around the screen.  I sat right up and said ...."I didn't want to know...."  Then, I realized in that moment that all my dreams had come true.  So many mommies want little girls but, I wanted a BOY!!! I wanted you!!! And, in my heart and in my dreams....I already knew you were a boy.

Looking back....that day was the biggest gift to mommy and daddy.  For all those months you were in my belly...I KNEW YOU AS MY SON!!!  My little baby boy bouncing around in there....kicking back at me....loving me. Thank you ...baby boy....for being my son....now and forever. 

My love for you is bigger than ever.  Sometimes so big...it hurts.  Other times....it gives me so much peace.

Mommy and Daddy love you.....sweet baby boy!!!!

8 Months...

Yesterday marked eight months since my beautiful baby boy went to heaven.  Sometimes it feels like it has been so much longer and other times I'm thinking how could it be eight months already?  I've definitely had a difficult time these past few months.  I am out of school for the summer and have too much down time.  Down time while you're grieving is really hard.  I just miss my little baby sooo much.  I spend a lot of time thinking about what he and I would be doing this summer.  We would be having a ball!!! So much mommy and Jack time...wouldn't that be wonderful!!! We still have our time together....I talk to him all the time and I know he is with me. It really helps in my healing.  If healing is the right word.....I'm not sure if I will ever fully heal.  Eight months ago...my heart was broken, my life was shattered, my dreams were taken from me.  I gave birth to the most beautiful baby and had to say "good bye" to him the same day.  How is it possible to truly heal from that?  And, of course, I never said "good bye" to Jack.  He is always a part of me......always my first born.....always my son....always the TRUE love of my life!!!

And.....I will see him again!!!

I LOVE YOU.....MY SWEET BOY!!!!

Happy Father's Day....a few days late....

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY....to a wonderful husband and father to our beloved baby in heaven.

Tim....Jack and I love you the most!!!!

I think today was harder for me than Mother's Day.  It just hurts me so much when I think about how much Tim is hurting....I thought about that a lot today.

Also,

 HAPPY FATHER'S DAY to my wonderful daddy!!! You have always been so wonderful to me.  I couldn't wait for Jack to meet you and know you and mom. That has been one of the hardest things.........

Baby Jack....mommy and daddy love you so much forever and ever.  We miss you and ache for you so much. 

Consumed.....

I am consumed with thoughts of Jack.  The other day someone told me that it was normal for me to still be thinking of him everyday...I had to laugh.  Really...what about every MOMENT?  I think about him every moment I am awake.  He is there in every part of my day and he does visit me in my dreams.  Yesterday Tim and I went to the beach with some friends.  I love the beach.  My first thought getting out of the car was how much better it would be with Jack there.  I would be lathering him up with sunscreen....not letting a bit of sun touch his beautiful baby skin.  Tim played all day in the water with a our friend's daughter....I just kept thinking....it should be our son in his arms.  He is such a good daddy!!!

I am consumed with sadness.  A little over 6 moths later and it hurts as much....maybe even more...than the first day.  I think I am okay with the sadness not going away....I have never expected it to.  Yesterday on the beach I thought back to days of last summer.  Life was so beautiful and everything was just as it should be.  I love that feeling of peace that comes over your body when you know that everything is right with the world.  The last time I felt that was when Jack was in my belly.  Of course, I haven't felt it since he went to heaven.  I don't think I will again.  I'm not trying to be negative, but I do not think it is possible for a parent who looses a child to feel that.

I am consumed with LOVE for my son!! My love for Jack grows EVERYDAY!!!

Mommy LOVES you sweet, sweet boy.  I am consumed with thoughts of one day being with you in heaven!!!!

To My Baby...on Mother's Day

I am born of the earth.
Feel my breath of wind,
My tears of rain.

Watch me grow with the trees.
Hear me laugh in the stream,
My heartbeats in the turning tide.

Each morning, I rise with the sun.
I am the light of the day.
Sing my lullaby to the moon,
And lay me to slumber with the stars.

As you gave me life,
So I give life to you.
I live all around you.
I am your earth child.

Dear Jack....

You were with me everywhere I went today on my first Mother's Day.
You are the love of my life....baby boy!!!!

Aunt Karen....

Dear Jack,

  Hello....sweet boy. I wanted to tell you a little bit about your Aunt Karen.  I know you already know her in some way.  But, I just wanted to tell you how much she loves you and thinks about you all the time.  I always know that your Aunt Karen and your wonderful Mimi are thinking about you. 
On Sunday, Aunt Karen and many of her friends did a walk to honor your beautiful life. They raised money for the March of Dimes in your name....so you are helping babies everywhere!!    When you were born, Aunt Karen flew all the way down here to be with mommy because I really needed her.  I was so happy that Aunt Karen got to hold you in her arms and love on you.  It was a hard, but beautiful moment for your aunt.  I know that it was just to short.  Like mommy, she wishes you were here and we could hold you forever!!  One day we will all be together in heaven.  Of course, you may meet Aunt Karen first since she is a bit older than mommy.  He...he...

Baby Jack....your life and your story inspires us all!!!

We all love you.... sweet, sweet baby!!!

To Aunt Karen......I Love You!!!!

Butterflies....

Since my sweet Jack came into my life, was born, and went to heaven I have been thinking a lot about butterflies.  They are so beautiful....just like him.  While you are pregnant, you constantly think about how beautiful life is and how amazing it is to watch everything that grows.  While Jack was growing in my belly, I loved keeping track of all of his changes and milestones.  I am so proud of how hard he worked to become so perfect.   I'm also so sad that he's not here, on Earth....to keep growing.

Butterflies....pretty much a perfect creature.... also work so hard to become so perfect and beautiful.  Jack's memorial service was outside on a beautiful November day. My sister was reading a poem about how babies who go to heaven leave their footprints all around us...on flower petals....on our hearts....on butterfly wings.  At the same time, a monarch butterfly was flying all around...for the whole service.  It was amazing! I just kept thinking that Jack sent this perfect creature to me to let me know that he was okay.....maybe to give me an idea about how beautiful heaven is.

This past week, my sister and my nephew came to New Orleans.  One of the places we visited was the Insectarium.  They have a butterfly room.....they fly free all around you.  It is so peaceful there.  I looked at amazement at these butterflies and thought about Jack....about the existence of God.

How can you hold a baby in your arms and not have COMPLETE FAITH in God?

Thank you, my sweet baby Jack, for making me so aware of the beauty that is all around me!!! 

Jack Iko Memorial Run

I really teach at an amazing school . On March 17, every student at my school participated in the first annual Jack Iko Memorial Run.  What a wonderful way to honor my blessed baby boy....especially because his mommy LOVES running so much.  Each student raised funds through pledges for each lap they ran around our field.  Most students ran 10 to 12 laps around....that's a little over a mile.  Even my little first graders ran that far!!! They were really running their hearts out....running for my beautiful baby.  They had a beautiful angel helping them along. 

The best part of the run was at the end of the day.  I took my first graders outside to watch some of the older kids running their laps.  We were their to cheer them on and my first graders started yelling....."do it for Baby Jack!!!"  It was beautiful.

The funds that the school raised are going to Children's Hospital in Jack's name.  The total raised was $5, 300.  I am very proud of my little baby....I know he inspired everyone!!!!!

The Jack Iko Memorial Run will continue each year.  Special thanks to a special friend, Coach Amanda.

I LOVE YOU, JACK IKO!!!! 

Four Months......

Today, on the day that marks four months since my beautiful baby boy was born into heaven, I am visiting my sister in Maine.  I wanted some time on my own to spend with Jack so I went down to the beach.  I always find myself drawn to beautiful places when I am needing to spend some one on one time with him.  The ocean is one of my favorite places.  I have always found peace there.  Today was a misty day....you could feel the ocean water all around.  The sky was grey and the ocean and sky just seemed to come together.  The waves were full of whitecaps, rushing to the shore. I had the beach to myself.  At this beautiful place, I could feel the power of God.  I could feel some peace.  I could feel Jack with me. 


Jack.....my heart aches so STRONGLY for you today.  I am trying to find comfort in knowing that you are in a place a million times more beautiful than where I was today. Mommy loves you......sweet, sweet baby!!!


  

To Jack........

"The presence of your absense is everywhere."

I see you everywhere. I see you in my arms or in your daddy's arms.  Now that the days are so beautiful, I long to put you in your stroller and take you for a walk.  When I lay my head on my pillow, I sometimes close my eyes and reach out my arms....I imagine myself cuddling you. 

When I was pregnant with you, I used to tell everyone how BLESSED I was because I got to take you EVERYWHERE.  That is such an amazing feeling!!! Thank you, baby boy, for giving that to me. 

I know that you are present....I know that you are still with me.....you are always within me!!!

You are the love of my life, sweet boy!!!!

One Year Ago......February 20th

One year ago.....I was given one of God's greatest blessings.  Tim asks me how I know.....I just do. 

I recently came across another mommy's blog and she was talking about the book written by Robert Munsch, I'll Love You, Forever.  This is a book that I have always loved.  I can remember first reading it when my nephew Alex was born, years ago.  I have come to love it even more now knowing that the author wrote it for his two babies who were born sleeping. 

So, on this one year anniversary of a magical night......I will light a candle for my precious Jack.....and whisper these words to him.....

      I'll love you forever....
      I'll like you for always....
      As long as I'm living....
      My baby you'll be.

I imagine that God is cradling Jack in his arms or maybe my sweet Nanny....as I whisper to him....

     I'll love you forever...
     I'll like you for always....
     As long as I'm living....
     My baby you'll be.


I true love you, my sweet baby boy!!!

Three Months....

Happy 3 months in Heaven, Baby Jack!!

I can't believe you have been gone from me for three months.  I love you so much and think about you every moment. I know that you are with me in my heart and in my soul.  As each day passes, it makes mommy so sad because it means that you have been away from me for one more day. Daddy tells me that you wouldn't want me to be so sad all the time.  I am really, really trying.  Tomorrow Mommy and Shelly are going to send up three balloons to you for your three month birthday.  We will be writing you a love message so be sure to grab them!!!  Do you remember last month when all the kids in mommy's class sent balloons to you?  It was such a windy and blustery day.  Mommy was carrying all 25 balloons and almost got blown away.  I closed my eyes and wished and hoped that those balloons would lift me off the ground and carry me to you in heaven.  How wonderful that would be!!!!!

Baby Jack, you are the love of mommy's life!!!! 

Dreams....

Today I heard a song on the radio that I once loved....it has new meaning for me now.....

    Every night in my dreams....
    I see you, I feel you
    That is how I know you go on....

    Far across the distance
    and spaces between us
    You have come to show you go on.......

To my Baby Jack......you are just as I dreamed of....see you in my dreams tonight
You're the love of my life!!!!

Today....

Today is my first time writing here.  I have wanted to start writing about my feelings and thoughts about my beautiful baby for some time.  I just wasn't sure how to start....where to begin. So, I begin with today....a beautiful day here in New Orleans.  My husband woke me up to let me know how beautiful is was outside.  Mornings are so hard for me.  Getting out of bed is so hard.  My first thought every morning is how I should already be up, taking care of my sweet baby.  On this beautiful day...I decided to go for a run.  I was an avid runner before getting pregnant, but put it on hold in order to bring my precious Jack into this world. I never thought about giving up "things" for a second...in order to make sure he got here safely.  I would give anything to have him here now.   I want to share all of my days with him, to hold him, love on him.  I want to take him out on a beautiful day......I want to hold him in my arms, lift him up and say..."hey Baby Jack....thats's the sunshine you feel on your beautiful face."

Today, it was just me....running through the park on this beautiful day. So many times I stop, look up at the sun and feel its warmth on my face.  I can feel the love from my precious angel shining down on me. I felt blessed to feel that today.

Baby Jack.....you are the love of my life!!!!